I don’t like being around men, especially cisgender men.
I’m not saying I don’t get along with men, but they make me feel very uncomfortable. I have always felt far more comfortable around women. My whole life, most of the men I have known have been fairly “decent,” but many of those same men also harbored horrible, outdated views about women, and no matter how I tried to change those views, rarely would it take hold.
When I’m around women, whether transgender, cisgender, femme presenting, even trans men, anyone who isn’t a cisgender guy essentially, I feel safer. I believe the crucial ingredient that cisgender men possess that few others do is that toxic masculinity.
Masculinity, in and of itself, doesn’t bother me. There are “masculine” traits I find endearing, but on the whole I’d much rather spend my time around women as often and as long as possible. I’m not saying women are perfect, for anyone who might read this and think I hate men, I don’t, but I feel more at home among them, safer among them, I connect better with women than I do men.
I can hold my own among men, and often have to, but even I can see that my personality, my attitudes, my demeanor, they’re all far removed from the type of masculinity I have to be around all of the time, every day. I speak more softly, I enjoy bright, colorful designs, I don’t laugh at the same jokes as the guys do, and I don’t ogle the women like the guys do (which isn’t to say I haven’t seen many lovely women while I’m working, it’s just I have no need to comment on their attributes in the same way the guys do).
These aren’t bad guys, these are definitely guy guys, and that’s okay, and I have conditioned myself to be around them and get along with them because I have to, and they’re genuinely decent guys at the end of the day, and I can often pry good thoughts and feelings out of them, even though they’ll quickly make a joke to cover for it. I wish they wouldn’t. I’d love a world where men could just be soft, sweet, and kind.
I’d love a world where crass jokes about women’s butts or boobs aren’t considered conversational fodder.
Sometimes I’ll see boys come into the booth and they’ll be wearing rainbow bracelets, pink shoes, and asking me about cars, and my heart just jumps for joy, hoping that the future for these little guys is bright and filled with empathy and compassion.
I want a future generation of boys to become men (if that is who they are) who feel, who love, who are soft spoken, whose strength is in their kindness and compassion, not their need to destroy shit and denigrate women.
I don’t think that’s too much to ask for, I think we deserve a better world where the old bigotries and insecurities die, where patriarchal systems collapse, and a new generation of more self-aware, more purposeful, more emotionally open men seek to build bridges with others rather than attempt to dominate a society that deserves its own room for other voices.
I just don’t think that’s too much to ask, and I hope it comes to pass.
For now, though, I swallow my discomfort, but I sure would love to have a bunch of women who are my friends here where I live. I have amazing women who are my friends online, and I adore all of you, I mean it, you know who you are, and if you don’t, it’s you, too, but I don’t have that softness, kindness, femininity here to enjoy for company. I have to hope that changes while I’m still young enough to go and do things in life.
.Red
